It was a decision I had to make and I’m glad to have made. Perhaps it was the difference in our physical ages… or perhaps in our emotional ages. In the end, I had to lay down the truth of the matter and break it off with her. Although technically there was nothing to break off. I was surprised to know that she liked me and could have fallen for me – me!! Worthless me - a failure in sports, inadequate in my studies, emotionally immature (hence, my status as “friendless”), and spiritually lacking. What could I have that she could like? I’m not even that good looking!!
Ever since I started feeling these uncomfortable feelings when I’m texting her, I’ve started to pray to God for answers – answers that I thought would never come. Why did I suddenly feel dread when I’m texting her but none when I’m with her? Why am I having second thoughts about my attraction to her? I am worried that it might be purely superficial – that I would not like her if she were not as physically attractive as she is now (although she refuses to admit it), but she’s kind, loving, smart, God fearing – what else could I ask for?!
Yet perhaps God worked through me in this matter. Strengthening the hesitation that I am going through – in my heart I feel that this is not right. I don’t know if it is because of what other people might say – it has never been an issue to me when I first liked her; or maybe I really am just like the typical guy who’s afraid of commitment – but I can see myself growing old with some of the other girls I like and it doesn’t scare me. Maybe it is the combination of these reasons… I cannot truly understand except I know now that a great weight has been lifted from me now that this is over. I feel strong emotions but not of the negative kind. We will still be friends (I hope), as we are brother and sister in Christ, and I hope that this friendship will grow (albeit platonically).
Maybe I liked her mostly physically but not enough emotionally and I know that I could not get one from her without the other as a package – and right now, I‘m just not ready for this commitment yet; or maybe yet she’s really not God’s intended for me. I do not know for sure, but we both agree that God has answered our prayers on this matter and that for now there should be nothing between us. May God bless her always and heal her heart of any hurt that I might have caused. Perhaps we are merely delaying our destinies as God sees fit, perhaps we are truly meant to find another person intended for us, perhaps I should stop saying these maybes and perhaps(es) and face my future with absolute faith in God. For what it’s worth, I think I may have grown spiritually, if even only a little, because of this event in my life. May God let me grow continuously in him and may he show me the answers I seek in his time. As for Ivy – she’s a big girl and I’m sure she’ll be able to handle herself well. God will surely bless her in her days to come – or so I pray.