It has been a while since I last blogged. Mostly out of laziness and also since I found no need to, even in my lowest moments, I've found other ways to cope and manage. I'm writing this post mostly as a way to let out, to rant, if you will, and basically chronicle and perhaps record for future analysis, my thoughts at this moment. I have no one to talk to who wouldn't just repeat what they have told me before - which is to simply stop caring, to grow up and take it, so here, in the white digital sheet (soon to be black when published), I inter my thoughts.
First things first, human beings - by nature, are fickle creatures. Some may call it "the beauty of diversity" - I call it plain old immaturity. Granted there are individuals that manage to ascend past this - the vast majority of humanity (me included) are trapped in a wheel of conformity, of the need to be accepted, and perhaps the need to reject - to have a target, to bully, to step on and as a result validate their superiority. Cliques, in my opinion, are the best cases to describe this - and cliques in the workplace? Well that's just like having a bomb with an open flame dancing precariously close to the fuse. It empowers some, excludes others, which results to demotivation and culminates into disrupting work productivity. And if that fuse is lighted, then a disaster is imminent: fights, underhanded tricks to get you fired; it just really poisons the whole work dynamic. Yes, I speak of this from personal experience, dealing with people (and perhaps being one myself, occasionally) with fickle mindsets, who are nice one minute and aloof the next, seemingly with no regard to how they make other people feel. People, who, very simply, have no thought of the effect of some of their actions (or inactions) to others.
As they say, apathy is worse than outright hatred. To show apathy means to simply not acknowledge another person's existence, or at the very least the existence of their being - their wants, their dislikes, what makes them happy, what they do - apathy simply does not give a damn about any of this. In truth, this is perhaps my major character flaw - either a pathological lack of apathy, or misplaced apathy to those that do not really deserve it. Why care for people who don't care about you? Why even bother? Why not spare yourself the heartache and just mind those who really care for you and genuinely want to improve your well being? I seem to notice every little thing a person does or does not do to/for me, and it affects me in more ways and deeper than I want them to. Again, this harkens back to my earlier post in this blog, titled: "disturbed ciphers." Much has changed since then, but apparently not enough.
So why the title? Because I can rightly say that I seem to have gone from bad to worse (not myself, but the people around me). I thought I was in a rut in my previous situation, which prompted me to explore opportunities elsewhere, only to find that I basically jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Despite how I make an effort to change the way I think and remove my character flaws, the Universe (or God, if you will) seems to find a way to throw me into worse situations that draw it out even more. Don't get me wrong, individually, these people are great (and there are definitely individuals in the organization that are not included in the people I'm talking about), but as a whole (again, with exceptions), that cliquish mentality takes over, and sometimes - it flows over to the individual person and how they interact with other parties (yes, namely me). I've noticed a gradual rift forming between me and certain individuals, despite best efforts to maintain a healthy relationship with them. As a mentor once taught me, if 1 person calls you a horse, ignore it, if 2 people call you a horse, start thinking, if 3 people call you a horse - start eating hay. I know the problem probably lies with me, and with some of these people, I know what I did to cause it. The problem is with the rest. Even those that I help often and those that I do not really worry about (in terms of what they think of me, since I do nothing to offend them), yet there seems to be a collective shift against my favor (again, for the last time, WITH EXCEPTIONS). I am driven by the need to understand it, yet have resorted to withdrawing into my shell and ignoring it. Making inquiries into it might just worsen the situation, though I am sorely tempted to. Yes, this is me holding back, despite them thinking I can't. Well, now I'm in the fire - either someone extinguishes it or I look for a frying pan somewhere....