Let me tell you something about me, one thing that has never changed and will seemingly never change no matter how much I try – I am paranoid, and I have a very low self-image. This combination can only end in emotional disaster, as my low self-image is magnified by constant bouts of paranoia – paranoia to even my closest of friends; and this paranoia is fueled by my low self-image – that I do not deserve the friendship of these wonderful people. Thus an unending and self-destructive cycle is formed, one in which I never seem to be able to escape from. Like swirling quicksand that tightens its grip and pulls me down proportionately harder the more I struggle. I have very few friends that are not affected by this paranoia, friends who have proven themselves to be the kind who will always see me with respect and as an equal, people who genuinely see me – not only this worthless shell I inhabit; those who seek to understand and support me, and those who never fail me whether my need is great or small (of course, practicality and loyalty must be balanced in this endeavor). I am thankful to God for these few people, their number being that I can practically count them with the fingers of a single hand – with two or three fingers to spare!! Yes folks, me, Ben Fuentes, Mr. Outgoing and Official Chatterbox in almost every circle, have only one or two people with whom I can be completely myself, with whom my paranoia is practically nonexistent, with whom my low self-image becomes forgotten and replaced with an image of a person that is dignified, respected, loved. Heck, not even my direct family can do this to me; can lift me up as these people have, but anywayz, that’s besides the issue. I wish to evaluate and put into words my thoughts, these chaotic streams in my mind can only be organized through this entry (I hope).
Expectations – that’s what gets me, I give my trust, depend my happiness on a person, and he/she ups and ignores me, or so I think… perhaps I have been simply expecting too much from these people. I am too sensitive, even a simple failure to reply to a text message or a mood change is enough to set off my paranoia. After all, if I am so important to these people, why would they let me hang just like that? Sometimes I fail to understand their situation. I fail to grasp the diversity of our species, our race – the uniqueness in every single person that God has blessed each one of us with. I should not expect my friends to nurture me as my emotionally unstable heart requires, they’re just friends after all, right? It’s not as if this person is a girlfriend or a wife to care for me so… but then why can I not get that through my stupid heart? My mind understands it, but the heart refuses to listen, it keeps on opening up to people that I barely know, people who I have only gotten close to in less than a year or so – small wonder when I end up getting hurt and disappointed, and it’s not even their fault. It’s my weakness, my vulnerability to let people in, and give them my all, when in fact they are not ready and willing to give as much as I have, and who can blame them? They are much more mature than I am - their emotional side knows the perils of putting in too much trust and devotion to another person before knowing that person fully. Unfortunately, I am so stupid that even experience cannot teach me that. I keep telling myself that I must harden my heart, be untrusting, the mysterious type – heaven knows it might even help me with the ladies… but no, the trusting, naïve, talkative person gushes forth. One cannot change what he is - perhaps there is truth to this. But I am much more than what I show on the outside, my low self-image affects all that I do – I actually get angry pretty easily, but I avoid confrontation. Heck, I still have small grudges on the bullies who made my life hell back in High School, but I realize it’s my fault for not realizing my own self worth and not standing up to them. I actually have pride and dignity, but they crumble down in the face of pressure, because of a fundamental lack of self-respect.
This is my dilemma, the unending cycle of paranoia and low self-esteem, which seem to fuel each other (if I can find a way to convert these to useable energy, I will have found the answer to the energy crisis to last for a hundred generations). How will I get through this? How will I get out of this trap? How can I stop trusting too much, giving too much, caring too much? Obviously people aren’t the answer… Obviously I cannot do this myself… Definitely, material wealth and fame is not the answer (we all know how fleeting those can be)… the answer then, at least as far as my mind can see, is spiritual. Yes, God is the answer, and I know he is willing to help me, the thing is, am I willing to let him help me? All these teachings, it all seems so easy, but when you really internalize it, to put God as first priority in you life, you realize that all your interests get in the way – it may be your love for shopping, your love of movies, love of friends, love of fame, love of wealth, in the end, all of these will hinder you in getting close to God, just as it is hindering me in my walk. In the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that to beat low self-image, you should have a principle-centered or God-centered life. Meaning your happiness depends on God or your principles, both of which are unchanging. Yes, even a family-centered lifestyle is subject to failure, as our families are still people and they can make mistakes. Only something that is important and unchanging will work – thus your happiness is assured in almost every situation.
All these things I know, all these things I narrate, but none of these things can I seem to apply to myself. Sometimes I wish the mind would take a physical manifestation, one that you could manually change, and then it would be a simple task to rearrange the way you think, the way you perceive things, the way you react to things. Alas, that is not the case. For now the best I can do is try my hardest to be less trusting to everybody. I will salvage what is left of my self-esteem, try to apply all that I have discussed in terms of the remedies for my dilemma and start anew – after all, for me, Life’s just beginning – I just graduated from college and a new dimension of living is waiting for me. Let us see what time has in store for me.