Out of the Frying Pan

It has been a while since I last blogged.  Mostly out of laziness and also since I found no need to, even in my lowest moments, I've found other ways to cope and manage.  I'm writing this post mostly as a way to let out, to rant, if you will, and basically chronicle and perhaps record for future analysis, my thoughts at this moment.  I have no one to talk to who wouldn't just repeat what they have told me before - which is to simply stop caring, to grow up and take it, so here, in the white digital sheet (soon to be black when published), I inter my thoughts.

First things first, human beings - by nature, are fickle creatures.  Some may call it "the beauty of diversity" - I call it plain old immaturity.  Granted there are individuals that manage to ascend past this - the vast majority of humanity (me included) are trapped in a wheel of conformity, of the need to be accepted, and perhaps the need to reject - to have a target, to bully, to step on and as a result validate their superiority.  Cliques, in my opinion, are the best cases to describe this - and cliques in the workplace?  Well that's just like having a bomb with an open flame dancing precariously close to the fuse.  It empowers some, excludes others, which results to demotivation and culminates into disrupting work productivity.  And if that fuse is lighted, then a disaster is imminent: fights, underhanded tricks to get you fired; it just really poisons the whole work dynamic.  Yes, I speak of this from personal experience, dealing with people (and perhaps being one myself, occasionally) with fickle mindsets, who are nice one minute and aloof the next, seemingly with no regard to how they make other people feel.  People, who, very simply, have no thought of the effect of some of their actions (or inactions) to others.

As they say, apathy is worse than outright hatred.  To show apathy means to simply not acknowledge another person's existence, or at the very least the existence of their being - their wants, their dislikes, what makes them happy, what they do - apathy simply does not give a damn about any of this.  In truth, this is perhaps my major character flaw - either a pathological lack of apathy, or misplaced apathy to those that do not really deserve it.  Why care for people who don't care about you?  Why even bother?  Why not spare yourself the heartache and just mind those who really care for you and genuinely want to improve your well being?  I seem to notice every little thing a person does or does not do to/for me, and it affects me in more ways and deeper than I want them to.  Again, this harkens back to my earlier post in this blog, titled: "disturbed ciphers."  Much has changed since then, but apparently not enough.

So why the title?  Because I can rightly say that I seem to have gone from bad to worse (not myself, but the people around me).  I thought I was in a rut in my previous situation, which prompted me to explore opportunities elsewhere, only to find that I basically jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.  Despite how I make an effort to change the way I think and remove my character flaws, the Universe (or God, if you will) seems to find a way to throw me into worse situations that draw it out even more.  Don't get me wrong, individually, these people are great (and there are definitely individuals in the organization that are not included in the people I'm talking about), but as a whole (again, with exceptions), that cliquish mentality takes over, and sometimes - it flows over to the individual person and how they interact with other parties (yes, namely me).  I've noticed a gradual rift forming between me and certain individuals, despite best efforts to maintain a healthy relationship with them.  As a mentor once taught me, if 1 person calls you a horse, ignore it, if 2 people call you a horse, start thinking, if 3 people call you a horse - start eating hay.  I know the problem probably lies with me, and with some of these people, I know what I did to cause it.  The problem is with the rest.  Even those that I help often and those that I do not really worry about (in terms of what they think of me, since I do nothing to offend them), yet there seems to be a collective shift against my favor (again, for the last time, WITH EXCEPTIONS).  I am driven by the need to understand it, yet have resorted to withdrawing into my shell and ignoring it.  Making inquiries into it might just worsen the situation, though I am sorely tempted to.  Yes, this is me holding back, despite them thinking I can't.  Well, now I'm in the fire - either someone extinguishes it or I look for a frying pan somewhere....

On Gaming and Being a Gamer

An Article I wrote for my application in Summit Media's magazine, GamesMaster. I haven't submitted it yet as I think it can still be revised/improved. I feel like I've been losing my touch since I worked at Starbucks...

Let’s face it, the gaming industry is growing as fast, if not faster, as technology is advancing. For someone like me who has played computer games ever since I could use a keyboard, it’s like watching a movie at variable speed – time seems to move at an incredible pace. I started with simple games like Pong and Frogger, then moved on to Cat and Mouse, Prince of Persia, etc. Soon games like Doom, Quake and Descent began to show us the potential of games to be incredibly realistic – with Descent even going so far as to create a 3D environment that can be fully explored -the game being played in the POV of a spaceship within space mines. Of course, the consoles didn’t get left behind as they produced memorable titles such as Super Mario, Megaman and Final Fantasy. All of which (and more) have undergone many incarnations and sequels in subsequent consoles that have been produced. Today, games continually blur the line between fantasy and reality by pushing the envelope in developing better graphics and realistic gameplay. The Video Games Industry has come to a point where there are already specific niches in the market for specific genres of games. Being a gamer means you actually have to choose carefully what games you spend your money on. The amount of variety actually makes selecting and buying games akin to choosing which clothes to buy (except that for games, you can’t try it out in a “fitting room”).

It’s not really easy being a gamer. There are lots of challenges and difficulties for someone who really loves gaming. One of these difficulties, coming from personal experience, definitely involves the people around us. The harsh reality is that in this world, gaming is rarely considered as “cool.” A lot of nongamers consider games to be stupid and childish. In our country where the industry still hasn’t been as well accepted as, say, the USA or Japan, this is actually quite a common school of thought especially amongst the elderly. We, the gamers, of course know this is not the case – nothing spells “Mature” quite as well as Doom 3 or GTA San Andreas and there is absolutely nothing stupid about the Tycoon games, The Sims and even a few puzzle/action games like Prince of Persia or Soul Reaver. On the other side of the spectrum are people who claim that videogames help decay the morals of the youth and influence violent behavior. We all probably know about the Columbine Massacre – how two stupid doom-addicts took it upon themselves to turn fantasy into reality by shooting up a school in true FPS fashion. Victims and concerned parents blame id and videogames in general for this tragedy while they don’t realize that as with any crime, these atrocities are more of an exception than the rule. You don’t really see Counterstrike champions going to gun stores, buying pistols and rifles, and shooting up their schools or workplaces just for kicks.

Despite these setbacks, the gaming industry has continued to grow into multimillion dollar industries (EA games actually earn billions). It has begun to be taken seriously by the world around us – and those who still believe in the notions above are now considered as outdated or uninformed. Games are being tapped for ideas for movies, and no longer only the other way around. Games are being used to help train the military and even doctors (studies show their benefits in developing hand-eye coordination which is critical in surgery). Games are being used as a tool for education. And since the advent of Online Multiplayer Games, the gaming industry has boomed almost exponentially – with more firms opening up and developing more games everyday. The Philippines, even being a third-world country, has thankfully not been left behind. We have pioneer developers like Anino Entertainment to thank for bringing the industry into the country and hopefully developing it here to match the giants like EA abroad. This specific era in gaming presents many possibilities to those who wish to be more active in the gaming scene. For the students, there are competitions, bazaars and exhibits (with the ever present cosplay competitions). For professionals, gaming companies here are always on the lookout for talented programmers, writers, and in some cases – gamers, to help develop, test and review games. Since the early part of the century up to now, the gaming industry has taken the world by storm – gradually building up to coincide with advances in information technology. The way things are going, we can expect there to be countless more surprises for gamers to dig into in the near future. Gamers rule!

Puerto Galera

Just some photos of my first trip in Puerto Galera last May 27-28 With the Alumni of Englicom:


The girls with Bryce

The Guys (Minus Chuco)


The Beach


Me! who else??

Sunset at the Beach



The Whole group at the Stop over

Moving Right Along

Something I have always known but never really realized until lately is how dynamic life is. Nothing is ever permanent (ok, so us Christians would say God is, but that's beside the point). Sometimes Life has a way of kicking you off your butt once you start to get comfortable with something. Friendships, Work, Relationships, etc. - they all change - in big and small ways. Life sometimes throws you out on the streets, so to speak. I have been in a semi-long transition period, adapting from student life to the working environment. Through it all I have lost touch of some friends (some intentionally, but most of it not), reunited with some, met new ones, lost some of them, retained some, etc. It's kinda hard trying to keep up with the things happening to you. When life tests you, it doesn't pull any punches, it seemingly hits you with all the problems at once. A car accident, losing touch of a friend, losing a job (and prior to that, struggling to apparently keep it), a love life that's going no where, spiritual stagnance. Honestly, if it weren't for my family and some of my friends (God included), I would not have been able to take all this. All in all, I have learned quite a bit in the last few months of this still ongoing transition. Lessons that can't all be summed up to words I can write here, some of these are feelings, abstract things that can perhaps be called instinct. That is the beauty of experience, it is not always tangible and easily describable (thus, humanity copes by using time as a reference ie. 1-5 years work experience, Veterancy, etc.), it is something within - knowledge and wisdom that will determine your path in the days still to come. I am still in this transition period, but through these experiences so far, I think (and hope) that I have touched some lives and made lifelong connections with people I've learned to care about. Rest assured others who remained out of the picture during these times are not forgotten. After all, they are the people who have touched my lives in the past. As Charles Shultz did say, we may not be able to dictate the names of famous people, but we will never forget those who made a difference in our lives. Anyway, the wheel of life keeps moving, and I am excited and scared of what the future will bring.

P.S. I think I've lost my touch... tsk

Tagaytay Drive

My first drive to Tagaytay came as a spur of the moment thing – no plans beforehand, just friends inviting each other to go out after work. There was certainly no budgeting until we got home (one of my companions almost paid for everything – which we later divided amongst ourselves so we could pay her back). How do I describe the experience - scary? Exciting? Perhaps both; it was something that was also fulfilling, especially for a driver such as myself, since I can finally say confidently that I have been out of town – to Tagaytay, and I drove there to boot (my dad always thought my car, old as it was, would break down along the way). I can now add myself to the scores of experienced drivers who are not merely confined to their specific areas/districts. I have been to Tagaytay, Sucat, and NAIA (the last two places are different stories entirely) without any support from my parents – I got there by myself (and, in the case of Tagaytay, with some friends).

Our plan was to go “Store-hopping” – which was, specifically, to visit distant Starbucks branches just for the heck of it, hang out and say hi to the other partners/baristas. We left at around 3am on February 14th (which was the end of our duty) and passed by Starbucks in Shell South Superhighway, we met the openers there and took some pictures. Then we proceeded to Tagaytay. It was a scary trip – owing to the fact that it was dark almost the whole time and the road was treacherous, twisting at sudden moments with no illuminated signs. It was certainly valuable driving experience for me to go through Santa Rosa on my way to Tagaytay. When we reached Starbucks Tagaytay (which, by the way, is considered the best store in the Philippines – getting the highest ratings from performance appraisals conducted by the main office) at around 530am, we discovered that it wouldn’t be open till 8am, so we talked to the guard and got ourselves a very early breakfast in a canteen somewhere down the road. The food was quite affordable considering how much we ordered. When we got back, it was still too early (although we did spy a partner getting into the store to start opening it) so we took a nap in the car – with the doors and windows open. We did see the beautiful sunrise before napping and even took pictures of it – it was as if Christ himself would be coming down from heaven in the wake of the sunrise, with rays of sunlight shining down behind white clouds and being reflected in the taal lake. Indeed it was a sight to behold. When we woke up it was already 10am – we were very anxious to hang out in the store and go home since my car had color-coding on that day. We met the partners at that branch and they were very nice indeed – especially their Store Manager, Ida. The partner we saw opening the Store was Shirlyn, an attractive Shift Supervisor in that branch. Knowing that both she and I had no Valentine, the partners (both my companions and those of Tagaytay) kept joking about us. In the end, I got Shirlyn’s number and then we went home. Being the usual me – I made a mistake and got back to Metro Manila via a different route – by going through Imus Cavite (a long cut but without any toll fees along the way). I got home just in time before the window for the color coding was over – what a trip!

Imminent Collision - Reflections of a Young Driver

Something exciting happened to me today – exciting, exhilarating, yet incredibly frightening. I survived from a near-death experience – from a double-sided collision that would have left my car in scraps and me in even smaller pieces. It was an error in judgment on my part, my overconfidence in my driving skills and my haughty disregard for Jeepneys. As I was driving along Del Monte at around 4AM, there were two jeeps (three if you count the extra one who almost had nothing to do with the event – although it was the reason why I chose to go to the left of the first jeep) on the road, one going the same direction as me, the other going opposite (toward us) I chose to go between these two jeeps, thinking that my speed would carry me safely in between them before the situation became too uncertain or dangerous (I was running at around 100+ km/h then). When I got closer to the jeep toward me, I realized that there was a GREAT (almost inevitable) possibility of me not having enough space to go in between them. Having nowhere else to go (turning right would have me hit the jeep going my way – or “Jeep 1” in the diagram below, and turning left would have me hit the jeep going towards me – Jeep 2, in a head-on collision), I opted to risk getting into a lower gear (for increased acceleration) and speeding my way in between. It would have been a disaster really if it weren’t for our combined presence of mind and reflexes (yes, I am giving credit to the Jeepney drivers whose driving I usually despise). Their fast breaking and my quick maneuvering got us all off without even a scratch. Anyway, here’s a rough diagram of the event:

As you can see, it was really a close thing. If the Jeeps hadn’t even bothered breaking, my maneuver would have helped me as much as an ice cube would have helped hell freeze over (okay that was a long idiom/analogy but whatever). When I say that I was able to maneuver well at such a critical moment, it is not based on only my judgment of my own driving abilities (as that would have been the height of arrogance) – it was actually commented by my passenger (yes, I had passengers when these events transpired – and I shudder to think what would have happened to them had the worst occurred that night/early morning). This passenger also drives so her judgment can be said to be reliable, even if not entirely so. Yet I confess, if only I had better judgment of road situations beforehand, the whole mind numbingly frightening and dangerous event could have been completely avoided. This event did not encourage me to drive on as I did that morning but instead has taught me an important lesson in caution and prudence on the road. Yes I will continue driving at insane speeds often but only when the situation on the road allows it to be completely safe to do so.

Sometimes, I think I have been trying too hard to be like my peers in DLSU, those who can be daredevils on the road – but I forget the fact that because of their dangerous driving habits, most of them have already had collisions and similar accidents (I heard one guy actually ended up with his car overturned). People always see caution as stupid and weak, until they end up getting seriously injured or killed by their foolish indulgence in dangerous activities (and even after that, they still persist with this kind of thinking). It is indeed a sign of immaturity to constantly engage in such activities. I realize this as I meet and ride with more people. Breakneck speeds and crazy maneuvers on public roads don’t really impress the older and more mature people. Of course, when a person truly loves speed, there are better outlets for it – such as professional racing or even arcade/computer racing games. To say that I am extremely blessed to have gone home without a scratch on my car and my person would be an understatement – let’s just say that I would not be doubting God anytime in the near future (and perhaps until the day I die). His providence is truly incredible – it almost makes me feel invincible. I once thought that my former close calls in driving could be attributed to my skills (and of course, my car), but surviving this near-impossible situation has proved to me that God is indeed keeping me safe, even through such situations that are a fruit of my own stupidity. Let this be a lesson to any who read this that drives – I may have survived that experience, and it may have been exciting indeed, but I never want that to happen to me again. Let us then practice caution on the road, as they say, prevention is worth a whole lot more than any cure.

Reflections of the Employed

Having begun to work and having been working for 3 weeks so far, I have learned a bit more about how the “Real World” works. Being the person behind the counter gives you a whole different perspective on things. Customers become but mere numbers as you wait for your deployment from your register to end, and although I try to connect to the customers as much as I can – remembering that each has his/her own life to lead and each has experiences in Starbucks similar to what I have undergone while being a mere patron of the coffee shop in my high school and college days, it’s hard to do so while maintaining the excellent standard of quality that Starbucks proudly boasts and requires of its partners (that's what Starbucks calls all its employees). I rethink of how sometimes it has taken a long time for me to be served in an establishment, and now my impatience has convicted me for now I know how it feels to be the person behind the counter – pressured to provide high quality products, connect with customers and speedy service at the same time.

Working has also taught me some humility, as I have been required to handle menial tasks such as cleaning tables, washing dishes, mopping floors and “closing” the store (which involves rigorous cleaning of the equipment and the store at the end of the day – or start of the day, depending on how you look at it). It’s funny how people seem to think low of our station in life. I have heard many comments regarding my job – mostly from my peers, asking why I decided to ONLY be a Barista. The funny thing is, most of the people who say this are actually undergraduates, those who are still naïve about the world outside of school. Others like undergrads who are more enlightened or fellow graduates usually respect my work – as it is honest, has many benefits, and pays reasonably well for a first job. Besides, if everybody thought of some jobs as “beneath” them, then there wouldn’t be any janitors, trash collectors, security guards, and yes – baristas in the world. Everybody would still be forced to clean up their messes or serve themselves with coffee or food. I guess we should really accept that each person – no matter what his job, plays an integral part in the system. This is particularly true in Starbucks as there is virtual codependence between baristas – including the management. These are lessons that are hard to pick up from mere textbooks and must be experienced to be fully appreciated.

When you start to work, you must be able to tolerate and even embrace diversity as a part of life – even more so than in college. The sheer differences in culture, lifestyles and beliefs in a work environment are truly amazing. Out there are people who have not even heard of God – at least not in a personal way. In my store alone, majority of the female baristas smoke (except for the management) while virtually none of the males do. When I started training, I met Chinese born people who act more like Filipinos – using long lost (for me) terms such as “charing!!” Also, there were at least 3 lesbians/bisexuals in our batch alone (and that’s not even including the one(s) in my store/branch). These people have different values, different opinions, and different lifestyles than me and most of my older friends. Truly I could not work well in such an environment if I do not know how to relate to and socialize with such a wonderfully diverse array of individuals. It’s like a rainbow of different cultures and lifestyles in place of colors and one must learn to appreciate such diversity – not only in the people you work with, but in those you serve as well. Although admittedly I have not gone completely out of my shell, soon I will get used to and be comfortable with these differences. I will then be able to appreciate even more the environment in which I work.

In closing, let me just say this now: work truly is frightening at first, but it is a necessary next step in our development as individuals. It will give us a fresh perspective on life, it will teach us humility, and it will force us out of our shells of preconceived beliefs and Idealisms.

Life, Death, Humanity and Immortality

I have watched “The Bicentennial” man a number of times, and it has never ceased to capture my attention, even though I already know the chain of events that transpires in the movie – how Andrew decides to trade his immortality just to be considered human. It is funny how I get some of my Philosophy from movies. In “Troy,” for example, Achilles says that the gods are envious of mortals, since we are mortal – each moment is more beautiful than any, and each are more cherished for we never truly know if it will be our last. Sadly, most people don’t really see life that way, as they trudge through the ever bustling metropolises of the world – never giving thought that death is a constant possibility. We distance it, considering it as an event that is certain and yet seemingly will never happen.

Immortality (and Death) has always been an issue since the dawn of humanity and philosophy (or so I think). Adam and Eve (according to Christian beliefs) were given immortality to begin with, which they traded for more knowledge (although not necessarily wisdom). Most Religions entice membership with the promise of immortality – Christianity and similar religions with afterlife in heaven or hell; Buddhism and other faiths by Reincarnation and such. Man simply refuses to cease existing, even I fear the eventual snuffing out of life from my body, and, if my faith were misplaced, my eventual cessation from existing entirely. The eternal darkness of death (for those who don’t believe in afterlife) is truly frightening once a person thinks about it, imagines it. Yet Death is central and also essential to all creatures that have life. It can be seen in nature, when one animal devours another, whether through hunting or through scavenging and decomposing the remains. In short, without death, there will be no life. This is also true in a philosophical sense, as there will be no life per se if there were no death. As I like to quote from “Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodline” – “Without death, there would be no motivation to accomplish anything, the only emotion would be existing – life would be pestilent and agonizing.” Wise words, considering they came from a game, and from a Vampire, nonetheless. As I walked a while ago through Makati, exploring Glorietta and Greenbelt, I was pondering on these words, on my own existence – I was thinking of what I would do with my life, what I wish to accomplish, how I would treat each day that I have. Indeed, if I were immortal, I would probably not worry about this, and instead simply lie around all day or walk around doing pointless things. Death motivates us into action – knowing that our time is limited, we are that much more likely to accomplish goals, fulfill dreams, and enjoy life.

Well, back to “The Bicentennial Man.” The movie is great in that it gives us humans, through a machine’s eyes, a chance to appreciate the beauty of our existence. It shows us one by one how even the things we take for granted – from facial expressions to emotions, are worthy of fascination and are supposed to be cherished as part of our humanity. Then comes the senses, as Andrew constructs for himself a nervous system – he is capable of expressing his emotions, he is capable of tasting (he can’t stop eating at first, amazed by the sensation of taste and the feeling of the texture of food), of feeling the warmth of a kiss, or the glory of sexual intercourse – the ultimate expression of love. Of course, as I said, Andrew gave up his mechanized (positronic) brain in order to be able to age and to be considered as a human being by society. He trades his Immortality for this privilege, and says that there is no point in living if everything and everybody he cherishes will just die anyway. Indeed, but what if EVERYBODY could be immortal? Then there would be no losing anybody we love right? Then again, we would be back to our previous dilemma… Perhaps there is indeed wisdom in the way life is today. Perhaps there is indeed motivation in not knowing what the future holds – during life or death. Again a movie inspiration: “Paycheck” shows us how knowing the future can be catastrophic to our lives. Men may try too hard to change the future that they in fact become the causes for the catastrophes they are trying to prevent. In another sense, people who know their future become bound by it, awaiting its inevitability. They lose the motivation to live and to explore. Then perhaps it is indeed for the best that the answers we seek is beyond our reach for now, perhaps humanity is not ready for such answers. The answers should come to us during/after death, or not, it all depends on which of our beliefs is the truth. It all comes down to this in the end: truth is not subjective, whatever is fact after death, be it afterlife or reincarnation or simple nonexistence, is what will happen – regardless of what one might believe.

Legacy of Kain

Yes, I have a leisurely interest in vampires. I love vampire movies (the darker, more serious ones like Interview with the Vampire, not spin-offs like Dracula 2000), vampire books and most of all, vampire games. I will not discuss in depth my interest of vampirism or why, I'll reserve that to another post. Below, I'm going to post some stuff about one of my favorite vampire game saga: the Legacy of Kain Series, and I give full credit to Wikipedia for some of the pictures and excerpts I have taken directly from the site.

Legacy of Kain revolves around two characters: Kain and Raziel, both of whom are vampires, but with the latter (Raziel) later being transformed into a spectral being - a vampire who is not quite, and instead of drinking blood, he needs spiritual sustenance (souls) to survive (he can also shift between the physical and the spiritual/spectral planes of existence, his transformation is brought about by the seeming betrayal of Kain, who ordered him killed for a superficial reason by being thrown into a whirlpool of water - which is fatal to vampires in this version of vampire lore). Kain, however, remains a vampire, and evolves as the centuries pass into a more powerful being than he was when he was first "turned." LOK spans 5 games: Blood Omen, Blood Omen 2, Soul Reaver, Soul Reaver 2 and Defiance (both Blood Omen games lets you play as Kain while both Soul Reaver games let you play as Raziel, Defiance has you switching between the two). The thing that draws me most in this game is the compelling story line - which can be a bit confusing. I daresay that it is even better than "Interview" with its plot twists, tragic moments, and vampire lore (the latter does not stick with classic lore, but creates an equally interesting story as to the origins of vampires). The story slowly unfolds throughout the five games, and like a puzzle where all the pieces are scattered throughout the games - you will not be fully aware of the whole story until you play all five games (or four, since BO2 is considered to be inconsistent with the storyline) and thus complete our "puzzle." It is concerned mostly with destiny and even includes prophecies that are fulfilled in ways that are somewhat different from what was expected (even by the "elder" or "wise man" entities in the game), with Kain and Raziel in the center of these prophecies (somewhat like the Star Wars character Anakin Skywalker and how the "Chosen One" Prophecy came to fruition). The game also somewhat revolves around the Soul Reaver - a legendary sword that has a history almost as deep (or perhaps even deeper) than that of our main characters. The sword has two forms, a Physical form (left) - wielded by Kain, and a Spectral form (known as the Wraith Blade; right) that can only be used by Raziel. The weapon serves as a key to the unfolding events in the story of the game, as the characters gain access to more places and events as they unlock more of the Soul Reavers' (both physical and spectral) powers. The sword is named thus for its ability to devour the souls of its victims (the reason on how it is able to do this is another plot twist in the story). Curiously, Raziel is also sometimes called the "Reaver of Souls" and he shares a symbiotic relationship with his wraith blade. Another important part of the story is the structure called "The Pillars," as the name implies, the pillars are a set of cylindrical structures (9 in all), each one representing an order and aspect/part of existence itself; and each one having a guardian (Kain happens to be fated as the next Balance Guardian, but his destiny is warped by his transformation into a vampire). The Pillars' existence play a pivotal role on the story, and they is necessary to maintain the so-called "balance" in the world of LOK. Below are a summary of the 9 pillars taken from Wikipedia:

Death, being the cycle of life, death and rebirth which the Ancients held sacred.

Conflict, being the interactions of things with other things and the new things arising thereof.

States, being the nature of the physical world and the ordering of the concrete, including chemicals and all the laws governing the physical world, such as electromagnetism and gravity.

Energy, being the vital force which animates creation and allows for the changing of all things.

Time, being the cyclical flow of time and the fated events to take place in order of their happening. (note that in LoK, time is neither dimensional nor directional, but it can be altered, with great difficulty, by one possessing sufficient comprehension of the nature of such a thing)

Dimension, being the dual directionality of the fabric of existence, allowing things which exist to exist and preventing things which do not exist from existing.

Nature, being the growth and evolution of living things, and everything which is animated or can be said to have a soul.

The Mind, being the soul itself, or the soul as it perceives itself, including all psychology, the study of the mind in relation to itself.

And finally: Balance, being the interactions of all the spheres of law, and all things which fall under the auspices of more than one set of laws. Balance governs all of existence through its governship of the laws themselves.

Below is a picture of the pillars and how it is connected with the elements in the world of Legacy of Kain (fire, water, wind, earth, darkness, and light):

Below is an excerpt from Wikipedia on the two main characters and how their actions affect the story:

One of the true innovations of the Legacy of Kain series is the greatly involved storyline, with believable characters, and shifting alliances and betrayals. Nosgoth is a dark fantasy land with an elaborate and involved history, and that history is often revealed in reverse; new information often shows that what is believed to be true is a lie. Furthermore, nearly every major character, or groups of characters, have both aspects of heroism and villainy, even when some aspects seem to shine through more often than others.

Kain himself (left and below), for instances, is a notorious anti-hero in that he is, in fact, not very like-able: he is an unashamedly selfish and brutal megalomaniac, with an obvious relish for bloodshed; though he is not stupid, and while his quite undiplomatic actions might often seem to be the rash products of his rather short and violent temper, it more often turns out that his rage is merely a tool carefully cultivated, revealing his true cunning and subtlety only to those perceptive enough to be his intellectual equals. With his vampirism, coupled with his learnedness, cultured palate and his extremely aristocratic tastes, he could best be described as a cross-over between Hannibal Lecter and Vlad the Impaler; however, his justification is often thrust upon him in that he usually finds himself, usually by his own designs, in such a position that he becomes the lesser of two evils, and one often feels a sense of justice to see the true enemy get what they so richly deserve by falling to the mercy of his better graces.

Raziel (right and below), on the other hand, is an anti-hero only in the opposite sense. He is a very upstanding and noble man, with a strong inherent sense of morality; however, the conditions and situations he finds himself in (almost never of his own making, unlike Kain who, though sometimes momentarily taken by surprise, often makes his own destiny for good or evil through defiance of those around him) rarely lend themselves to unambiguous ethical judgments and he often ends up doing the wrong thing for the right reason (unlike Kain who generally does the right thing for diabolic and selfish reasons). As a mortal man, he engaged in the systematic extermination of countless "innocent" Vampires in his fanatical quest to rid the world of evil. As a Vampire he helped Kain establish his empire, under the misguided belief that Vampires deserved (as a higher form of life and thus knowing better) to rule the world; and as The Soul Reaver, he stalked Kain and slaughtered his former brethren, under the belief that he was not only exacting vengeance, but also setting the balance of existence. Ultimately, all his actions turn out to be in some way flawed and generally immoral in the logic or lack thereof in their formulation, as he often finds himself the willing or unwilling pawn of those around him, for good or evil. His systemic redemption is found only in his final act, one of self-sacrifice, his only action dually motivated by good intentions and with arguably good consequences. This puts him in harmonic opposition to the character of Kain, whose actions are always selfish, but generally turn out to be right, because he betrays and defies those around him, most of whom turn out to be directly or indirectly in league with evil.

There you have it, a little taste of one of my absolute favorite games to date, if you are somewhat interested in learning about the story, try checking out Wikipedia.org and searching for Legacy of Kain, or try www.nosgoth.net for more info on LOK (although given the somewhat gothic nature of this game, I doubt there will be many who will be interested except those with specific tastes). It is unknown if there will be a sixth installment of the game, as there are still unanswered questions in the story... Well, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Media and Real Life (in the Philippines) - Two Movies in particular

Reality is always more shocking than fantasy, but it's always surprising how fantasy can sometimes be derived or even simply be similar to reality. When I saw the movie Batman Begins, I immediately recognized Gotham City as a metaphor for the Philippines - where corruption abounds and the honest are perceived as weak and naive. Short of wearing a cowl and cape, I was wondering how I could change the situation by myself. Does our country need a Batman? An urban legend who fights crime by using fear to scare criminals into abandoning their plans and if that's not enough, actually thwart them? Compare it: Gotham had a legal system bought and paid for - heck the Philippines has had two consecutive Presidents so embroiled in corruption that they both underwent impeachment trials (the first was successful, the second was not). Gotham's streets were full of thugs and criminals, it was not safe to walk alone in the dark - oh really? In the Philippines, you could get mugged in front of others in broad daylight and no one would be the wiser for it. Gotham's few honest people are looked upon by their peers as disturbers of peace or fools - in our country even the "honest" citizens look at law-abiding people like fools - you're stupid if you don't bride traffic cops, you're impractical if you do things by the book instead of buying your way out with a bit of cash, etc. etc (in fact, some of the people who read this will probably think I'm an idealistic, sanctimonious bastard). Will a Batman figure help curb the undying corruption in our country? Well, I'm not willing to try it myself.

On a lighter note, it's funny to think how George Lucas may have thought it sheer genius on his part to use the "cause-unrest-behind-the-scenes-to-rise-to-power" method for Palpatine to rise to power as the Emperor of the Galactic Empire in the Star Wars saga, but we Filipinos would probably think more in the lines of "Yeah, whatever - been there, done that." What am I talking about? Well, Ferdinand Marcos's and Martial Law of course! Palpatine used the Separatist movement as an excuse to confer more power to himself, Marcos used the same excuse when there were bombings (alledgedly from communist parties, I think - my history's a bit spotty). Both leaders were charismatic and were loved by the people - and that is how they managed to play the Dictatorship card so smoothly. Although in the succeeding eras, Marcos proved to be a bit more subtle than Palpatine when the power became his (Marcos's assassinations were, until now, mostly speculations and hard to prove while in Star Wars, the Empire would openly destroy a Planet without flinching). How did the dictatorship end - with open rebellion on both cases (only the manner of which differs immensely in either case). The thing is, watching the prequel only reminds me of how Marcos achieved what he did. Like I said, it's funny how fantasy can be so similar to reality without it really intending to be.

PRIDE

In "The Devil's Advocate" it is said that Vanity was Satan's favorite sin. I beg to differ. Not that I have inside information on what Satan's favorite sin is, but vanity does not quite encompass the scope of which sin truly is. A sin, to be Satan's favorite tool, must be that which is elusive, confusing, and natural to every person in the world. So I daresay that for me, PRIDE is the most dangerous sin and is the cause of almost all the problems of mankind. Think about it: It is elusive yet so painfully obvious, it can easily be mistaken as a virtue, and it causes people to think of themselves before others (also, it is that exact same sin that caused Lucifer to fall from God's grace). In the Philippines alone, one can see how corruption destroys the country. Corruption stems from greed, and in retrospect greed can be said to exist because of a person's pride - we think of ourselves highly and as such we feel that we deserve everything. If Public Officials only had humility - humility to accept mistakes, humility to place the welfare of the people before their own benefit, humility to entrust and empower others with authority and espouse cooperation - then our nation would most likely be in an entirely different state right now.

A Proud Man never accepts his mistakes, he refuses to believe that he has made any errors in judgment and in turn passes the blame on others. An argument between two proud people will almost never end until one gives way to another - until he lets down his pride and looks carefully at the point to which the other person is driving at, rather than focusing only in "winning" the discussion. This arrogance is perhaps what I hate most about Pride - the knowledge of how good you are and the resulting exhibition of that greatness, or the smug way of treating other people simply because, for you, they are inferior. It is one of the biggest problems of our society and every other society in the World. Almost everybody is arrogant in one way or another - I myself am guilty of this, which is in a sense, a paradox for me (there is a saying that the characteristics and attitudes you hate most about others are usually that which can be found in you - others serve as a metaphorical mirror to your failings). The fact that people hate arrogant people is already a sign (albeit very subtle) of their own arrogance. In many ways, a lot of Filipinos exhibit this attribute - women criticizing celebrities when in fact they are simply envious, men being stubborn and hiding behind the age-old excuse: "It's a guy thing" (again, yours truly is guilty of this), parents and professors being pigheaded simply because of their seniority, Public Officials using the famous "Kilala mo ba kung sino ako?" line, even spiritual and religious leaders are not exempt from Pride and Arrogance - being so sure of their own salvation and condemning the sinful instead of reaching out to save them. People want to feel superior, they want the best for themselves - damn everybody else. Rebelliousness is another example of this - imagine a person thinking of him/herself as above the rules - who finds it hard to follow even the simplest guidelines which are actually there for his/her own safety. In our country, one can see the arrogance in Filipinos by the way they drive - beating/disregarding red lights, counterflowing, not following parking rules, challenging and overtaking other motor vehicles for the heck of it (this last one I am actually a little guilty of, as well), the list goes on and on. One of the things required for the Philippines to prosper is if people could learn to follow rules - again thinking of the welfare of the majority and not only the big "I".

Confidence, Self-empowerment, these are all well and good, but sometimes we fail to realize that our Pride is slowly growing and that we see ourselves as invincible and above it all. This is the elusive nature of Pride, how it slowly seeps into your personality and slowly destroys you from within. A person with low self-esteem may develop confidence, but if it is not kept in check, this confidence may grow into arrogance. The result? People who know his past and who are full of him will shame him, reminding him of his pathetic past - and it's not a pretty picture. Humility must always be at the center of a person's nature if he is to improve without impediment. Take note that humility is different from a low self-esteem. It's hard to explain how they are different, except for the fundamental difference - that humility is not self limiting. Also, do not confuse this with FALSE HUMILITY, for this is simply Pride that is hidden and in some cases worse than the real thing (hypocrisy indeed). Perhaps the only sin I can think of that is not obviously connected with Pride is Lust. Others like Sloth, Wrath, and Gluttony can somehow be traced to a fundamental selfishness that results from our own Pride.

Pride is seldom a virtue, but in most cultures, people confuse Pride with Dignity or Honor. The latter two are indeed commendable traits to live by, but to say that they are equal to Pride (especially Dignity) is a wrongful play of words. Having Dignity is living in a way that is respectable, with righteousness regarding oneself, courtesy and respect towards others, and disapproving nature to wrongful behavior. Whilst Honor is a term that usually connotes trustworthiness and reliability. It is quite similar to Dignity especially when you look at the word from a Japanese perspective, but in most cultures honor means that you will do what is right even when there's nobody around to see your actions. So what about being Proud of something besides yourself? To me, everything must be exercised with moderation and sufficient prudence - there's nothing wrong with being proud of a loved one's achievements as long as it does not turn into expectation; there's nothing wrong with being confident of what you can do as long as it does not make you arrogant and selfish; there's nothing wrong with being proud of your country as long as it does not lead to unrest with other nations; there's nothing wrong with being proud of God, as long as it does not lead you to condemn.

Now, is Vanity really Satan's favorite sin? Think about it: where does Vanity come from?

DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING HERE IS OF MY OWN OPINION, THE DEFINITIONS HERE ARE OF MY OWN UNDERSTANDING AS WELL - NO DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS. THIS IS MY BLOG AND I AM WELL AWARE OF MY RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION HERE. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

A Change of Heart

Have you ever thought of the depth of Human Emotion, and how strong feelings that have developed could, with but a single event, drastically change? I cannot comprehend the magnitude by which one can despise a person whom he/she has formerly cherished. To find that person's every action irritating or wrong, to be inclined to refuse to his/her every request, to want to distance yourself from that person - a person who, just some time ago, was an integral part of your existence. Scientists say that emotions are but signals from the brain, chemicals that go through the body in order to affect how we physically feel - the butterflies in our stomachs, the gripping pain in our chests, the blinding rage, it's all just chemically induced by our bodies. It's funny how people try to continually distance themselves from the less empirical nature of human beings - the emotional, the spiritual - but in the end, they are just as susceptible to it as the next guy. Well, that's going a little bit off topic, so let's get back to it: it's confusing how sometimes the feelings we have for a person can turn renegade and go the opposite way. The fondness just... disappears and all that is left is resentment toward that person - and as easy as it is to change that feeling, it is hard to regain that fondness for a person, it is like a scar that will never heal. That is truly unfortunate for the person on the receiving end of these feelings. Sometimes, we don't even know exactly what that person did wrong to deserve such treatment, and sometimes, the person doesn't even KNOW that we already resent him/her - I guess the latter is for the best (what you don't know won't hurt you, right?). So why am I writing this? Why this topic suddenly? Is it something that has happened to me? Is it how I feel about someone right now? Or is it simply a product of deranged thoughts emanating from this dark vortex that is my mind? Well, that's for me to know and for everybody else to find out in good time.

Disturbed Ciphers

Let me tell you something about me, one thing that has never changed and will seemingly never change no matter how much I try – I am paranoid, and I have a very low self-image. This combination can only end in emotional disaster, as my low self-image is magnified by constant bouts of paranoia – paranoia to even my closest of friends; and this paranoia is fueled by my low self-image – that I do not deserve the friendship of these wonderful people. Thus an unending and self-destructive cycle is formed, one in which I never seem to be able to escape from. Like swirling quicksand that tightens its grip and pulls me down proportionately harder the more I struggle. I have very few friends that are not affected by this paranoia, friends who have proven themselves to be the kind who will always see me with respect and as an equal, people who genuinely see me – not only this worthless shell I inhabit; those who seek to understand and support me, and those who never fail me whether my need is great or small (of course, practicality and loyalty must be balanced in this endeavor). I am thankful to God for these few people, their number being that I can practically count them with the fingers of a single hand – with two or three fingers to spare!! Yes folks, me, Ben Fuentes, Mr. Outgoing and Official Chatterbox in almost every circle, have only one or two people with whom I can be completely myself, with whom my paranoia is practically nonexistent, with whom my low self-image becomes forgotten and replaced with an image of a person that is dignified, respected, loved. Heck, not even my direct family can do this to me; can lift me up as these people have, but anywayz, that’s besides the issue. I wish to evaluate and put into words my thoughts, these chaotic streams in my mind can only be organized through this entry (I hope).

Expectations – that’s what gets me, I give my trust, depend my happiness on a person, and he/she ups and ignores me, or so I think… perhaps I have been simply expecting too much from these people. I am too sensitive, even a simple failure to reply to a text message or a mood change is enough to set off my paranoia. After all, if I am so important to these people, why would they let me hang just like that? Sometimes I fail to understand their situation. I fail to grasp the diversity of our species, our race – the uniqueness in every single person that God has blessed each one of us with. I should not expect my friends to nurture me as my emotionally unstable heart requires, they’re just friends after all, right? It’s not as if this person is a girlfriend or a wife to care for me so… but then why can I not get that through my stupid heart? My mind understands it, but the heart refuses to listen, it keeps on opening up to people that I barely know, people who I have only gotten close to in less than a year or so – small wonder when I end up getting hurt and disappointed, and it’s not even their fault. It’s my weakness, my vulnerability to let people in, and give them my all, when in fact they are not ready and willing to give as much as I have, and who can blame them? They are much more mature than I am - their emotional side knows the perils of putting in too much trust and devotion to another person before knowing that person fully. Unfortunately, I am so stupid that even experience cannot teach me that. I keep telling myself that I must harden my heart, be untrusting, the mysterious type – heaven knows it might even help me with the ladies… but no, the trusting, naïve, talkative person gushes forth. One cannot change what he is - perhaps there is truth to this. But I am much more than what I show on the outside, my low self-image affects all that I do – I actually get angry pretty easily, but I avoid confrontation. Heck, I still have small grudges on the bullies who made my life hell back in High School, but I realize it’s my fault for not realizing my own self worth and not standing up to them. I actually have pride and dignity, but they crumble down in the face of pressure, because of a fundamental lack of self-respect.

This is my dilemma, the unending cycle of paranoia and low self-esteem, which seem to fuel each other (if I can find a way to convert these to useable energy, I will have found the answer to the energy crisis to last for a hundred generations). How will I get through this? How will I get out of this trap? How can I stop trusting too much, giving too much, caring too much? Obviously people aren’t the answer… Obviously I cannot do this myself… Definitely, material wealth and fame is not the answer (we all know how fleeting those can be)… the answer then, at least as far as my mind can see, is spiritual. Yes, God is the answer, and I know he is willing to help me, the thing is, am I willing to let him help me? All these teachings, it all seems so easy, but when you really internalize it, to put God as first priority in you life, you realize that all your interests get in the way – it may be your love for shopping, your love of movies, love of friends, love of fame, love of wealth, in the end, all of these will hinder you in getting close to God, just as it is hindering me in my walk. In the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that to beat low self-image, you should have a principle-centered or God-centered life. Meaning your happiness depends on God or your principles, both of which are unchanging. Yes, even a family-centered lifestyle is subject to failure, as our families are still people and they can make mistakes. Only something that is important and unchanging will work – thus your happiness is assured in almost every situation.

All these things I know, all these things I narrate, but none of these things can I seem to apply to myself. Sometimes I wish the mind would take a physical manifestation, one that you could manually change, and then it would be a simple task to rearrange the way you think, the way you perceive things, the way you react to things. Alas, that is not the case. For now the best I can do is try my hardest to be less trusting to everybody. I will salvage what is left of my self-esteem, try to apply all that I have discussed in terms of the remedies for my dilemma and start anew – after all, for me, Life’s just beginning – I just graduated from college and a new dimension of living is waiting for me. Let us see what time has in store for me.

Technological Advancement

It's funny how an idea simply pops into your head for the simplest and often mundane reasons. I was waiting in line on the MRT escalator and was wishing that I could teleport - that's right, instantaneous travel, to the top of the stairs because I was already late. Then I began to think - will we ever come to the point where teleportation technology is so commonplace that it will replace motor vehicles? Is it not probable that what we thought we could never control can be harnessed in the future for even such a simple means as travel? If you think about it, a thousand years ago, men were amazed at lightning and thunder and even further in the past, we worshipped the forces of nature as gods. Now we can easily say that we have harnessed the power of lightning for routine purposes as ventilation, lighting, entertainment, and even bathing. We take for granted what our ancestors used to worship. Back then, it was impossible for man to fly, now we are developing hovering cars and planes are commonly seen above our skies. Communication was almost impossible long ago without personal presence or messages, now we use an invisible medium to communicate by cell phone. Technology is truly amazing, but one begins to wonder, does it have its limits? A lot of movies today are themed such that we are warned of the dangers of too much technological advancement. Clone movies such as "The Sixth Day" and recently "The Island" have made us privy to the dangers of cloning technology but also to the possible medical applications of the same. Movies like "The Matrix", "I, Robot", "The Terminator" trilogy, and even countless cartoons show us the dangers of using Artificial Intelligence that may become too advanced for us to control. Of course, this can all be dismissed as Hollywood crap, but ideas have to come from somewhere, right?

The thing is, with all the calamities happening worldwide, a lot of people may be thinking that the end times are coming. With the advent of such events, which include 9/11, the Tsunami, our current economic crisis and the countless natural and manmade(terrorist) disasters around the world, mankind could be inclined to think that the world is folding in on itself - that if this escalates there would soon be no world to even speak of. For Christians, this day of reckoning is when Christ will soon come back and we shall be swept up into paradise with him. If that is so, will there be time for us to pursue technological advancement? If Christ is indeed coming soon (Religiously speaking), then the world would be no more and all mankind would simply be divided between heaven and hell (sorry, no purgatory here ;p).Personally, much as I would like to be in paradise soon, I would also like to see the extent to which man can invent. How he can think of possibilities to increase the efficiency and convenience of currently burdensome activities such as construction, worldwide travel, etc. I want to see the limits to which man can reach, the lengths to where he would go to achieve his dreams; to put it in my own words - I want man to hurry up and invent teleportation technology so I won't be late anymore. hehehe.

Things to do after I graduate

- Learn Mandarin
- Learn Guitar (or improve my skill)
- Lose weight, firm up
- Learn a Martial Arts Style (Kung Fu, Filipino Martial Arts, etc.)
- Save Php 100,000 at least within a year or a year and a half
- Join a Discipleship Group
- Improve my Chavacano Speaking skills
- Get away someplace to do some serious thinking and reflection... hmm, beach, maybe?
- Go sky diving with my cousin
- Go Karts!!
- Wall climbing

that's all, so far... hehe, just a checklist for me-self for the time being